7 Up

1.  eBay Store

eBay opened a physical retail store in England this month for the Christmas rush. But don’t expect to walk into Best Buy.  The store has no cashiers or registers; you simply grab an item you want, scan the code in a smart phone, and buy it with one tap using your eBay account.  Sweet.

2.  Grand Central Station

The Apple Store will park itself in GCS this Friday.  The MTA is giving their new tenants a great deal on the rental, as the new store will increase traffic to other merchants in the Terminal. Steve did always like parking in convenient places for a discounted price, for instance, in the handicapped parking spaces outside of Walgreens.

3.  Gowalla

Rumor has it that Facebook will soon acquire the location-sharing service, supposedly to work on the new “Timeline” feature introduced at Facebook’s last F8 conference.  One Middle Eastern-looking man celebrated, “Woohoo!  Go Allah!!!”

4.  The First 100 Days

Tim Cook’s first 100 days as CEO of Apple have finally passed, home to the company’s most successful quarter and the crazy sensation of “The Most Amazing iPhone Yet.” Tim beamed as he counted down the final second saying, “For the first time I can hold a candle to my brother Dane.”

5.  Fingers

They call them fingers, but I don’t see them fing.  Oh, there they go.

6.  YU Macs

The Macs have finally won their first game. Several players commented on the win, but The Commentator  could not publish any, since no one present could interpret Russian, French, or Sy Syms.

7.  The Kindle Fire

Forecasts say Amazon will sell 5 million of the 7-inch tablets by the end of the quarter against the estimated 13 million for the iPad. Yes, we upped it two issues in a row—it’s that good.

7 Down

1. Herman Cain

The man running on the simple slogan of “9-9-9” has ended his bid for the Republican presidential candidacy.  Herman, get ready to go back to your old job: you’re gonna be a pizza man.

2. Unemployment

According to The New York Times, U.S. unemployment dropped 8.6% last week.  Yes, we know, that’s a good thing, but it still belongs in 7 Down, you know, because the number went down.

3. Rima Fakih

The former Miss USA was arrested this week for driving under the influence. Her first baby step toward world peace!

4. Kardashians

This week Kourtney Kardashian and Teen Mom’s Farrah Abraham battled it out on Twitter when Farrah attacked Kourtney for getting pregnant yet again. “Did she not learn anything from TEEN MOM?! Maybe it’s a fake pregnancy like Kim’s wedding. SAD.” Very SAD.

5. Bieber Battle

Will this case ever end?  Although the suit has ended, this week Justin agreed to take a DNA test to prove to the public that he is not the father. Wait, demi-gods have DNA?

6. Twilight

The teenybopper film won Biggest Box Office of the Week for the third week in a row.  Wait…what? Seriously?!

7. Siri

The voice command software inside the iPhone can help you find a lot of things. One thing Siri won’t find you, though, is an abortion clinic.  But worry not, fifth-floor Hassidim—you can still talk to Siri all night long.