7 Up

1. 185th Street Vegetation

Phantom gardeners have planted several trees on the green between Furst Hall and Glueck. Locals have been witnessed watering the plants but were subsequently detained for indecent exposure.

2. Andrej Pejic

The Croatian born Australian male model has taken the fashion world by storm with his aggressive move onto the female runway. Is he beautiful? Absolutely. Is he a man or a woman? Not as clear.

3. Amazon

Its new Kindle Fire is the first real threat to the Apple’s iPad, undercutting the market with the outrageously low $200 price-tag. Amazon stock has risen since the release but give it time; Apple will prevail.

4. Baby Bieber

Not the newborn—the teenager. Charges against the teen star were dropped this week. Bieber’s mother licked her finger and wiped the shmutz off his face to celebrate.

5. YCDS

The Yeshiva College Dramatics Society has taken over the Wilf Campus with its gorgeous baby blue t-shirts. Declare your independence by seeing the show this December.

6. Groupon IPO

After only two weeks of fluctuation, the company’s stock has settled in at $24 making the shaky business worth $15 billion. Get your group on, baby.

7. Prostopleer

The online music player offers 15 free MP3 downloads per day. Lady Gaga’s new album is probably the best place to start.

7 Down

1. Occupy Wall Street

The NYPD has cleared the protestors from their home in Zuccoti Park. General Assembly meetings will now be held in the local homeless shelter.

2. Facebook

Looks like hackers finally cracked Zuck’s little project; spam and porn have flooded user profiles. Some have reported increasingly frequent suggestions to friend fifth-floor Hasidim.

3. Silent Film

According to The Associate’s recent first edition, The Quipster has been publishing materials in a manner all too similar to the tactics of Adolph Hitler. In a recent press release, though, The Associate apologized profusely for the comparison, explaining that Anonymous Student Leaders often mix up Adolph Hitler and that really funny guy in those silent movies who also has a toothbrush mustache.

4. NBC

Cancelling Community midseason is simply an outrage. Thursday’s new lackluster lineup will mourn the loss of charmingly puerile Troy, incisive yet chilled-out social commentator Abed, wholly awesome Jeff, religious soprano Shirley, and big old bigot Pierce. My G-d, and Señor Cheng! #occupygreendale

5. Footloose

The acting was so bad, and not even in the kind of way that you can laugh at. Rather, the kind of way that makes you feel bad for the actors, producers, and your date. Even the dancing was, like, one step above the Purim Chaggigah.

6. Matthew Swalinkavich

The singer was hired to play a luau at President Obama’s annual Pacific summit, but instead played a song in support of the Occupy Wall Street movement for 40 minutes on loop. He also organized hundreds of protesters to storm the venue. Too far, man—and your music was probably terrible.

7. Turkeys

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 3 million tons of turkey are consumed by Americans each Thanksgiving. Fine, that stat is made up, but you can imagine how many turkeys go straight to the chopping block for this holiday.