To Live is to Regret: A Life Lesson From Matt Haig’s “The Midnight Library”
Regrets are an inevitable part of life. For every “right” decision we make, there seems to be a host of “wrong” ones that linger in our minds, quietly urging us to believe that if we had only chosen differently, our lives would be perfect. While some choose to spend all of their days agonizing over past mistakes, there is one time period on the Jewish calendar during which one is forced to confront their deepest and darkest regrets. The Aseret Yimei Teshuva, the Ten Days of Repentance leading up to Yom Kippur, are a time of deep reflection and introspection, when all Jews are called upon to assess their previous behavior in preparation for the holiest day of the year.
Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, is incredibly daunting. It serves as the day on which our fates are sealed. Our actions (and inactions) over the past year culminate in a single moment of judgment, determining whether we will be inscribed in the Book of Life or condemned to the Book of Death.
I’ve always struggled with how to approach this season. Each year, I find myself overwhelmed in the days before Yom Kippur, replaying every painful mistake of the past twelve months. I agonize over poor choices, selfish moments and missed opportunities, wishing desperately to rewrite the past. By the time Yom Kippur rolls around, I am so weighed down by anxiety and guilt that I am unable to focus on or find meaning within my prayers. I never imagined that there could be another way of experiencing this ominous time, until I came across a deeply meaningful book that considerably altered my outlook on the yamim noraim [days of awe].
“The Midnight Library” by Matt Haig is a short but compelling novel that explores the meaning of life and the weight of regrets. The story follows Nora Seed, a depressed and miserable young woman overwhelmed by a series of painful disappointments. She has drifted away from her family, ended a long-term relationship, quit a promising music career and abandoned her dream of swimming competitively. The final straw comes when her beloved cat dies suddenly, intensifying her sense of loneliness and utter failure. Crushed by these mounting regrets, Nora attempts to take her own life. Instead of successfully putting an end to her suffering, however, Nora’s suicide attempt fails and she finds herself stuck between life and death. In this liminal space, Nora enters the “Midnight Library,” where each book represents a different version of her life: paths she could have taken if she had chosen differently. Guided by a figure of her past, Nora embarks on a transformative journey through alternate realities, experiencing all of the lives she could have lived, in search of the life in which she might finally feel happy and free of regrets.
But as Nora cycles through different versions of her own life, she comes to a striking realization: no life is devoid of pain or disappointment. Life is not meant to be perfect and easy. People are not meant to live in uninterrupted bliss. Life is messy, and regardless of decisions that may negatively impact our lives, we can still find happiness without erasing the past. True peace comes not from attempting to erase the past, but from letting go and embracing the present, complete with all of its flaws.
One line from the novel struck me deeply: “The most peculiar discovery that Nora made was that, of all the extremely divergent variations of herself that she had experienced, the most radical sense of change happened within the exact same life. The one she began and ended with.” After finding herself stuck with the same discomfort and unhappiness in every life she attempts to settle in, Nora comes to realize that her past regrets do not hold as much weight as she initially thought. What stopped her from achieving true happiness in her original life was not her mistakes and “wrong” choices, but rather her own mind. By learning to embrace the past, with all of its ups and downs, Nora is able to grow and find happiness within the one life she had once regretted the most.
At the end of the novel, Nora returns to her original life — the life she so desperately sought to escape through suicide — with a new perspective. Instead of being weighed down by her mistakes and misfortune, she is simply grateful for the chance to live again. Determined to approach life differently, Nora chooses to cherish the small moments and appreciate the relationships and opportunities she once took for granted. The novel closes on a note of hope: although Nora’s circumstances have not changed, her mindset has, allowing her to move forward and leave her regrets in the past.
Regret, when left unchecked, robs us of the opportunity to grow. We cannot meaningfully do teshuva if we are stuck reliving the past like Nora, yearning to jump from life to life, undoing what should not be undone. The power of the Aseret Yimei Teshuva lies not in ruminating over our mistakes, but in transforming ourselves within the imperfect life we already have.
Reading “The Midnight Library” helped me realize that obsessively scrutinizing our past errors will never yield favorable results, and the more we dwell on the past, the less we allow ourselves to change for the future. Although the Aseret Yimei Teshuva are undoubtedly a time to examine our behavior and find areas to grow, it is both unproductive and impossible to relive every mistake we’ve ever made. Rather, the goal should be to acknowledge our imperfections, commit to change and find true meaning in the journey ahead.
This Yom Kippur, I won’t be entering the Day of Atonement burdened by what could have been. Instead, I’ll carry with me the wisdom of Nora Seed: that change, growth and forgiveness are all possible, not in a perfect, regret-free life, but in this one.
Photo Caption: Our past year’s actions (and inactions) culminate in a single moment of judgment.
Photo Credit: Unsplash / Sasun Bughdaryan
