Lessons Out of the Lab

I have never considered myself dumb. In fact, in high school, I believed myself to be a relatively smart person. But throughout my formative years, I met many brilliant people and realized that I wasn’t quite the intellectual mind I thought I was. As I grew older, I often met genius kids who were younger than me, and my high school self paled in comparison to their potential. In my internship this summer, I met a lot of intelligent students who were younger than me, and I found myself longing to go back to the past to become just as accomplished as they are. 

This summer, I had the opportunity to work as a research intern at a lab at the University of Texas Southwestern, a medical and research center in Dallas. My lab was part of the Center for Hypothalamic Research, so we focused on neuroendocrinology. The main project I worked on was related to treating sepsis, a life-threatening condition that is often associated with organ dysfunction and the body’s extreme response to an infection. I worked with mice and learned different techniques like survival surgery, injections and tissue collection. I also did a lot of bench work, such as genotyping and different assays. By the end of the summer, I felt very confident in my scientific knowledge and my understanding of the projects I had engaged in, so much so that I could explain all of the relevant details and write up an abstract about my topic. But I wasn’t always like this. At the beginning of the summer, I struggled with a significant case of imposter syndrome. 

There were over 20 other student interns working in the research center with different labs. Each student was paired with a mentor who was a current researcher in the lab. I was one of the oldest students on the floor. They say with age comes wisdom, but when I first met some of the other students, I didn't feel very wise. Many of the interns were incoming college freshmen, some of whom were headed off to Ivy League schools, and others who attended very prestigious and highly accredited high schools. There were even young high school students, some of whom had not yet taken high school-level biology. Being one of the oldest students with a college background, I assumed I would be on a more advanced level, and the information we learned should come more easily to me. However, these high school students were not held back in their learning. They quickly understood concepts that I struggled to learn at their age, and at times, they even helped me comprehend scientific articles. 

When I was the age of my younger co-workers, my scientific knowledge was not up to the same standards as theirs. This came with feelings of inadequacy, which made me start to question if science was the place for me. The high school I attended was an amazing place; however, due to COVID and short staffing, my science background was weak. Now, after taking college science, I had an impressive grasp on scientific concepts, but seeing the other students’ shining potential impacted me in an unexpected way. On the one hand, I was thoroughly impressed and excited for their success in the future, but on the other, I felt like I had missed out on my own potential. Maybe if I had pushed myself in high school to join a lab, I could have also been more advanced when I started college. 

I started to long to go back to my high school years, so that I could challenge myself, aspire for more and reach the level all of my co-interns had somehow reached. But going back in time is impossible, and kicking myself for my perceived inadequacy is not the right way to strengthen my self-esteem. With shame, I understood that I had started playing the what-if game: What if I had self-studied for AP science classes in high school? What if I applied to more internships before I came to Stern? The what-if game made me yearn for a restart button I could never have. In fact, it distracted me from embracing the incredible internship in front of me. So, I resolved to change my mindset. I started to act like a true student, studying and absorbing as much as I could. I could not go back in time and change the past, but I could definitely reframe my thinking to better prepare myself for the future. I decided to take advantage of every opportunity this summer and concentrate on what I already have, in order to build towards my path and career. It is so easy to focus on what could have been and how you messed up here or there. And although this might make you feel better for the moment, it will also make you stuck in the past and ignorant of everything you have in the here and now. The best thing I learned is to choose the present. It’s the smart thing to do.

Photo credit: Unsplash / National Cancer Institute

Photo caption: NIH Clinical Center Laboratory, 1992