A Fear of Failure

This is the last issue of the year, yet this is the first time you may see my name. Although I have been at Stern for a year, I have never written for any student publications before. 

I have a pretty healthy ego. I was always proficient enough in different areas, like school, sports, choir and dance, so I felt confident. But the truth is, I never really tried. I don’t mean this in an egotistical way; in fact, I mean the opposite. I was scared that I was not good enough. For example, until very late in high school, I did not invest in my studying or assignments; I always aimed for “good enough.” And while that may be healthy to an extent, because I did not tie my identity to my grades, unlike many of my peers, I was feeding into a deeper fear — my fear of failure. If I never tried to attain perfection, then I could rationalize my lesser grades by telling myself that if I wanted to try for better, I could. But I never did. I hid from the fear that I could try and fail, never living up to my ideal self. What if I were forced to realize that I am not great, just ordinary or worse an embarrassing failure? So, to save myself from the potential blow to my ego, I never genuinely tried.

I was effectively incapacitating myself. The very thing I was scared of was happening because of this passivity. I was performing mediocrely because I feared mediocrity. On some level, I was aware of this destructive rationale. And throughout high school, I did learn to apply myself more, but even then, it was mostly in the areas I was sure I would succeed in.

When I started college this year, one of my priorities was learning to write well. I haven’t had much experience writing, but I hope to go into a field where good writing is imperative. So, of course, I thought of the school newspapers. But when the chats to contribute were sent out, I didn’t join. I rationalized, “I should wait until I take my freshman English class, then I’ll feel experienced enough to put my work out for everyone to see.” Well, I took my English class. And did I join next semester? No. What was my reason this time? “Oh, I am switching to an English major in the coming year, I’ll write after a few more English classes to ensure I won’t embarrass myself in front of the school. What’s one more semester?”

I hadn’t consciously realized that my college thought processes were the same patterns I used in high school. That was until a friend who knew my goals pointedly asked me why I wasn’t doing more when I was able to. At first, I brushed it off, giving the same old excuses. But their comment stuck with me, and it bothered me a lot. Was that true? Was I just avoiding the effort due to my fear of failure? I sat with the uncomfortable feeling for a few days, and after much thought and introspection, I slowly saw that what they said was true. I sat down to write. 

This article is for those who want to accomplish, but fall victim to that voice in their head that says, “Not now, you’re not good enough yet and you have to wait.” The truth is, it is not okay. We have unbelievable potential. If you have the capability or the desire to find out what you can do, I implore you to act on it. Telling myself to wait, to practice in private and to save my writing for my English classes, where no one but my professor could see my work, was not playing it safe. I was doing myself a disservice and holding myself back from moving forward. So this is me starting. I may look back at this article in the future and cringe at my writing. But I am looking forward to the day that will happen, because at least I will have something to look back on. Additionally, seeing my mistakes will show me I have not failed but succeeded, that I have progressed and improved to the extent that I can recognize those mistakes. Or, the scarier thing may happen. You may look at this article and find the critiques and problems. But I am trying to be okay with that. Because in my mind, I have already succeeded in something more important: not in writing the best work you have ever read, but by writing and submitting this piece in the first place.

I hope to be someone who will pursue trying and failing over failure from lack of trying any day. Even if I am not quite there yet, writing this article is a start. My message to you, as this school year comes to a close, is to start. For every passion you have, don’t let the fear of failure hold you back before you give yourself a shot. Get involved in whatever club or team you’ve been thinking of. Start the initiative you wish to see. If you are graduating, go after the career you are currently dreaming of. There is always a risk of failure, but never giving yourself a chance is far riskier. Push yourself to see how successful you can be. 

Now, hopefully, you will see a lot more of me next year, because I have decided I am giving myself a chance, and I hope you will too.

Photo caption: Start Here!

Photo credit: Gia Oris via Unsplash