The Culture of Permissibility

“I couldn’t imagine going to YU,” an old acquaintance proclaimed, as we and our drinks sweated in the California sun that slouched over us and the other wedding guests. His words drew upon the images of rampant homophobia that danced across his mind. This is far from an uncommon sentiment. In my capacity as co-president of the YU Pride Alliance, I’ve received emails from the concerned parents of a gay prospective student asking how queer students on campus are treated. Hostility toward queer students is seen as a defining characteristic of the YU undergraduate environment.

I perch upon the tightrope of understanding these concerns while feeling they misdiagnose the picture. I earnestly believe that most students at YU, regardless of their social views, would never knowingly say or do something to hurt a peer. Nonetheless, there is a culture of permissibility whereby a vocal minority feels very comfortable being overtly bigoted at YU — in classes, chats and beyond. 

Let’s not mince words; queerphobia is rampant at YU. Last year, a friend of mine was loudly called a slur just past the clicking turnstiles of the sweltering Furman caf line — perhaps the densest place on Wilf campus during lunch hour. As one finishes their lunch and begins their assignments, they can expect to hear “gay” used comfortably, early and often by some students as a synonym for anything bad. This can happen in person or on chats of 30+ peers they hardly know, as was the case regarding buying the pricey textbook in my statistics class — fret not, we didn’t have to buy it in the end. As the sun descends on Friday, one might imagine that Shabbos could prove an exception to this trend. Yet, I recall, as a bright-eyed freshman, attending a meal at an apartment with dozens of students who didn’t know each other. In discussing an otherwise great professor who G-d had not spoken into being as straight, some peers saw fit to greet the Shechinah with a hearty intonation of the f-slur. Who among us hasn’t encountered similar examples?

It’s hardly surprising that outsiders often view YU as fertile ground for queerphobic harassment. However, in all these stories, these coarse-speaking students represented a vocal minority. For every student proclaiming the bigotry that clings to them, there are hundreds — with a myriad of outlooks on gender, sexuality and society — assembled along the lunch line and around the Shabbos table to watch in silent discomfort. Amidst this silence, speaking up can be difficult. Speaking for myself, I’ve failed to act more times than I’ve succeeded.

Yet it’s precisely this silence — this culture of permissibility — that magnifies an otherwise manageable issue into one that looms large in the mind of the public and weighs heavy on the hearts and minds of queer students, thereby making YU an unsafe environment for them and a poorer environment for all students.

What, then, can we do? Anger proves an all-too-easy response, maybe the only thing easier than inaction for many. It seems natural and justified. After all, these people have utilized their free will to act to the detriment of others. Speaking from experience, such an approach rarely achieves lasting results. How likely are you to persuade someone — even of something small such as saying or not saying something, when they feel attacked? How, then, can we simultaneously preserve our belief that these students are acting of their own free will and have a more productive response to their misbehavior?

The Alter Rebbe’s holy words in chapter 30 of Tanya present an answer while discussing the need for humility before all — even those commonly disparaged:

For it is literally his “place” i.e., his physical environment that causes him to sin [...] In truth, even he who is extremely passionate by nature and whose livelihood obliges him to sit all day at the street corners has no excuse whatsoever for his sins, and he is termed a rasha gamur [an utter evildoer] for not having the dread of G‑d before his eyes. For he should have controlled himself and restrained the feeling of desire in his heart because of the fear of G‑d, Who sees all his actions.

While individuals possess free will, their choices are weighted by forces beyond themselves, like their environment, education and upbringing. When we speak of hard choices, we affirm our knowledge of this. This is also made manifest in: “You shall not place a stumbling block before a blind person…” (Vayikra 19:14), which can refer to putting someone in a situation where they will likely make a bad choice. This does not negate the principle of free will but acknowledges that choices may become easier or harder due to circumstances. The fact remains: a choice is a choice, yet one must consider the psychological and social factors that led them to make such a choice. Thinking back to the vulgar, animalistic queerphobia exhibited by adults as I grew up, I’m hardly surprised that some of my peers learned to parrot these behaviors. Meditating on the origins of these behaviors can turn destructive anger into productive determination. It also shifts one into a cause-and-effect mindset, which naturally lends itself to solutions.

But how can one put this into practice, how can we productively engage with these students? Stepping in could prove as simple as saying “C’mon man” or “Hey hey” to discourage the negative behavior itself. I’ve engaged in longer conversations — meeting people conceptually and emotionally where they are, but I recognize this is time-consuming and takes a lot of mental and emotional energy.

I suppose the issue I took with the characterization of YU as a queerphobic environment wasn’t because harassment and toxicity don’t exist at YU — anyone with eyes in their head would agree they do. Instead, I struggled with the incorrect, yet understandable, conclusion that the majority of our community is queerphobic. When we realize that such incidents are the result of a vocal minority that is not encouraged to improve, a solution feels possible. The solution won’t come from administrative action or student council initiative; nobody will cross to the other side of the sea and fetch it for us. Rather, we must all seize upon the responsibility that is very close to us; it is in our mouths and in our hearts so that we can fulfill it (Devarim 30:14).

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Photo Caption: “Stepping in could prove as simple as saying “C’mon man” or “Hey hey” to discourage the negative behavior itself.”

Photo Credit: Alexas_Fotos / Pixabay