Playing By the Rules (Vol. 46, Issue 8)

Canadians really helped us out by sneaking those six Americans out of Teheran. Apparently, the United States has decided to reward Canada by exporting the cream of American youth through the imposition of the draft. How did all this begin, you may ask? The answer lies with James Earl Carter — politician President.

You see, a candidate is supposed to stop campaigning after he gets elected. But does Jimmy play by the rules? Not a chance. Throughout his four year term — marked by one of the greatest political crises in the history of this country — this peanut farmer, with an intellect to match, has all but avoided crucial issues that demand action. Our pathetic Chief Executive has taken on the job of pollster instead of President. He studies public opinion before, after, and during every decision, to make sure he doesn’t alienate any potential 1980 balloteers. The fact that Carter’s campaign strategy has worked so far simply illustrates the shocking gullibility of the masses.

Before we go any further, there are three facts that must be stated:

a) Approximately 50 Americans have been held captive in Teheran for over 100 days because of Jimmy Carter,

b) The U.S.S.R. has invaded Afghanistan because of the political spinelessness of Jimmy Carter,

c) The draft will be re-instituted — to the horror of men and women between the ages of 18 and 20 — because of Jimmy Carter.

Add these figures up in your head and the result becomes painfully obvious — we have a destructive man in the White House. Just to check the equation, as we were always taught to do in the fifth grade, let us quickly review the highlights of the past 120 days.

The first day of the ordeal begins when a “madman” named Ayatollah Khomeini and his militants break into the U.S. embassy and capture 50 American hostages. President Carter reacts immediately — by declaring that he is very upset. The next day he goes all out by declaring that the act was a violation of international law.

In the next few weeks the situation stagnates, as the International Court at the Hague and the United Nations take turns condemning Iran for not playing fair.

President Carter then lets fly with both barrels as he threatens kidnappers of U.S. citizens with possible economic sanctions. The cork then pops as the Soviet Union seizes a perfect opportunity to move into Afghanistan. Now Carter is really mad — he says he may even boycott the 1980 Olympics in Moscow. That hold maneuver is tantamount to threatening to throw B’rer Rabbit into the briar patch.

Then, Carter tries to compensate for his massive political blunders by re-instituting draft registration. Which brings us to the present day.

Our President's wishy-washiness has served to poise the Damoclean sword of global war directly over our heads. If Carter had exhibited any backbone whatsoever — showing the United States to be a fierce eagle instead of a timid sparrow — Iran might have been intimidated into releasing our hostages, and Russia probably would not have taken the opportunity to test our strength by invading Afghanistan.

To make matters doubly worse, our Commander-in-Chief (that’s also Jimmy, folks) has pitifully few arms at his disposal. During the 1970's, the Soviet Union may have outspent the U.S. on defense by about 100 billion dollars. Want to hear some scary figures? Russia produces three times our number of tanks, five times our number of combat vehicles, twice our combat aircraft, over two times our helicopters, and twice our attack submarines each year according to the United States Department of Defense.

All of these statistics mean that if we do enter a global war, chances are it will have to be a nuclear one if we are to enjoy any possibility of winning. This, of course, is assuming that there can be a victor after a thermonuclear holocaust.

So to sum up our present situation, we have a jellyfish President who may well be re-elected, a pitiful armed forces, and a nuclear war staring us full in the face, The only thing that could save us would be the return of the hostages — which would force Carter to leave the safety of the White House and start campaigning. Undoubtedly, this would return him to his former deserved state of unpopularity.