Regret and Relationships: A Review of Belle Burden’s “Strangers: A Memoir of Marriage”
The night before Belle Burden’s husband, “James,” left her was described as any other: He made chicken for dinner on the grill, and after they ate, her children went to watch television and Burden tidied up afterward. They had been quarantining at their home in Martha’s Vineyard during the pandemic with their two daughters, then 12 and 15, while their son was living with friends. As she scrubbed the dishes and mopped the floor, her phone rang with a call from an unknown number and she let it go to voicemail. The number left a message, one that would shatter the life she and “James” (her husband’s pseudonym) had built for 20 years. “I’m sorry to tell you this, but your husband is having an affair with my wife,” the stranger on the phone revealed.
This is how Burden opens her memoir, “Strangers: A Memoir of Marriage,” which was expanded on in her viral 2023 piece in the New York Times “Modern Love” Section, “Was I Married to a Stranger?” “Strangers” has remained on the NYT’s bestseller list since its publication in January.
Burden could not believe what she heard. She expected James to explain the meaning of the strange message and hoped it was a mistake. As she went to look for him, they bumped into each other, him going down the stairs as she was going up to find him. He knew she knew. He led her to the privacy of their guest bedroom. They sat in silence. After taking the time to seemingly gather his thoughts, James said, “I promise you, this meant nothing. It’s over. I love you and only you. I’m so sorry. I’m so embarrassed.” She was comforted by his words, describing the affair of just a few weeks, holding onto the foundation of their 20 years together.
However, these hopes were in vain. At 6 a.m. the next day, wearing the same clothes he was wearing the day prior, he announced his decision. His words were simple, cutting: “I’ve decided I want a divorce. I’m leaving.” He promised her she’d be okay; she was still young.
She was fifty.
I’ve always loved reading current NYT bestsellers, and, specifically, “Strangers” intrigued me with the story of Burden’s marriage and its demise, which has sparked a global phenomenon. It’s a story we know well, a husband leaving his wife, which is usually a two-sided story. There are details that follow the two parties, someone hurts another, finds someone new and so on and so forth.
When reading this memoir, I realized that it is not the story of her marriage unraveling that is captivating; instead, Burden’s vulnerability creates the appeal. She does not pity herself or constantly seek the reader’s sympathy for her husband leaving her. Yes, she discusses the pain and sadness she feels after James leaves, but her story is not defined by the moment her husband leaves her. It is a memoir about who Belle Burden was before she married, the beginning of her and James’ romance, the warning signs she may have overlooked and the aftermath of a marriage she never envisioned ending.
Interestingly, readers may judge Burden for her origins. She grew up close to royalty in New York’s socialite world, related to Babe Paley, the Vanderbilts and even John Jay. She speaks of her upbringing as if she were a descendant of nobility, and she acknowledges that it is uncommon. Her privilege may seem like invisible protection, keeping her in the clear from harsh experiences. However, the opposite is true; her wealth and status blind her to the fact that her husband is taking advantage of her.
As she tells the story of her and James’ beginning, she discusses her belief in the romance plots fed to society through novels and television. She met James when she was working at Davis Polk as a corporate lawyer, where he swept her off her feet and married after just three months of dating. She writes about how she fell for his loving but dangerous statements. He would say things like “let me take care of the finances” and “I can be the provider for this family.” She willingly traps herself in the hole of being almost unidentifiable from what she was before. She went from a well-respected corporate lawyer working at Davis Polk to a housewife, cooking, cleaning and tending to the children. It was difficult to read as she described her decision to lose control of all monetary decisions and slowly lose sight of what it means to be in a partnership.
As I read on, I wished I could reach out and shake her — tell her that she is not safe and how much she will regret stripping herself of any power by the end of her narrative.
As if she had read my mind, Burden then discusses her deep regret after her marriage and life crumbles. She speaks of information she did not know, such as how much money he would try to take from her and what she wished she had done to protect herself better. However, although she regrets not preparing for the worst, she ultimately realizes that she could not have predicted how swiftly her life came crashing down. When James bluntly tells her, “I feel like a switch has flipped. I’m done,” Burden describes him as becoming “a stranger.” There was no way to prepare for such a disturbing feeling.
Throughout the memoir, she describes the ospreys she and her husband followed each summer since they bought their home on Martha’s Vineyard in 2005. She describes the process in which the ospreys return in the spring, produce eggs, then hatch and finally begin to fly. By September, they will go on their flight in search of warmth during the winter. James was obsessed with the birds. This beautiful process becomes a metaphor for the cyclical nature of her marriage, a hopeful beginning to inevitable departure.
When James and Belle returned on March 15, 2020, the ospreys had not yet arrived, and Burden writes that she and her husband wondered, “Would we be here to see it?” The obvious answer becomes no, but not for the reason she expected. After the cheating revelation, she remained in their home, while James returned to New York. Burden watches the osprey’s return alone, launching the next steps in her journey to establish independence.
By the end of the memoir, I hated James. This is not necessarily Burden’s doing, as all she attempts is to figure out why her husband left her. She is merely recounting life events, trying to piece together a baffling puzzle. It is we, as readers, who begin to empathize, choose sides and become angry on her behalf. I was appalled that someone could get up and leave their partner of 20 years without explanation. Someone who announces he wants no custody of their children, or ownership of their apartment or home. Someone who could attempt to manipulate money and shared assets, leaving his former wife economically vulnerable and dependent.
Throughout the memoir, Burden asks us to see her perspective and maybe find the clues she missed. However, by the memoir’s end, the motivations behind her marriage’s one-sided destruction become no clearer. It is James who remains a stranger to her, but also to us. We carry the same confusion, running through all possibilities of why someone could choose to become foreign to their family and take extreme measures to cause harm to their lives.
Today, Burden describes her and James’ relationship as civil, with both of them attending their daughter’s upcoming graduation in May. For us, we wonder what flip switched for James. Why did he choose to become a stranger? We wonder if James even knows himself, or maybe he, too, is a stranger to who he once was and who he is. We fear the possibility of maybe one day having someone we know best become a stranger.
Photo Caption: An Osprey coming in for a landing.
Photo Credit: Unsplash Images
