By: Azriel Chelst  | 

The U.S. Partition Plan: The Final Solution to the Presidential Uncertainty (Vol. 66, Issue 4)

In this difficult time of great strife between occupying incumbent Democrats and the escalating Republicans. Vice President Gore, the popular majority leader, must strive to explore all possible peaceful resolutions to this critical and heated conflict. Learning from the lessons of the Middle East, we, the Democrats, must propose and abide by Resolution 181.2, a U.S. Partition Plan. 

The people must understand that under ideal conditions, we would never have visited this arrangement. Unfortunately, as current unrest has the potential to turn the entire country into an irreversible war zone, we must examine proposals never before considered by other Democratic leaders to select the only way to maintain peaceful democracy.

Under the U.S. Partition Plan, the great fifty states would be divided into two countries. The current indivisible land of liberty would be broken into two groups of 30/20 or 29/21 states, depending on the final tally in Florida. While the new Republican country would be almost entirely contiguous, the former Democratic country would need to retreat to New England borders. Bypass roads would be paved between New England, Michigan, and Wisconsin in an attempt to secure safe passage through hostile Republican territories and avoid those malcontents who may voice their displeasure by aiming stones at Democratic interlopers. In addition, Democratic enclave settlements, including New Mexico, Washington, and California, should be uprooted for fear that the lone settlers might antagonize their Republican neighbors. They should be quickly evacuated by sea or, at the very least, relocated to New Hampshire in a land swap. The disproportionate land exchange will provide room for the homecoming all Republicans claiming the Right of Return.

Regrettably, we must persist even further and discuss the most sensitive of issues. Although we, the Democrats, in fact won the District of Columbia, we must understand that the area is dear to all parties. In order to maintain complete justice, we must allow the holy D.C. to become an international city. The United Nations will be called in to maintain order over the 68.2 square mile region. Partial sovereignty of the White House will be given to both Republicans and Democrats, with the western wing being awarded to the Democrats for our courageous concessions.

Lastly, before we make peace with the enemy, all we request of the Republicans is a call for a cessation of violence. The Republicans, who were fully responsible for the violent actions of Ralph Nader, must immediately call a halt to his aggressive activities within our borders. Although the Republicans did not publicly support his terror campaign, their reckless indifference gave a Green light to perpetration of repeated counts of campaigning violence often causing the loss of Democratic voter around the country. The Green Party's horrific acts successfully crippled Democrats’ stronghold in New Hampshire, Oregon, and Florida.

I recognize that the next few weeks will be extremely difficult for this two hundred year-old country. Nonetheless, we must recognize that only a lasting peaceful accord will bring true tranquility to a land on the brink of war. I call on the leader of the challenging party, Governor Bush, not to turn away from this historic opportunity. Condemn the violence, accept the proposal, and choose the peaceful path of the brave.