Presidential Star Wars (Vol. 46, Issue 2)
Recently I had the great fortune to meet one of the candidates who is running for President of the United States. Like Ronald Reagan, this Presidential aspirant is a former actor but is much older and better known. Like John Anderson, he is running as an independent, but he is much shorter and more succinct than the Illinois congressman. Like Jimmy Carter, he is a preacher, but he has no brother and he preaches one belief only: The Force.
His name is Yoda.
We met accidentally in the synagogue during the High Holidays when I saw a small, bent old man wrapped in a prayer shawl rocking back and forth on the bench in front of me and I ventured forward to offer him the traditional season’s greeting. To my surprise, the wrinkled face with twinkling eyes, hooded by drooping eyelids, that looked up at me belonged to the overnight-success superstar of this past summer’s blockbuster movie The Empire Strikes Back — Star Wars Il. On a journalistic impulse, I invited to lunch the Trek Party presidential candidate (who also happens to have been mentioned for an Oscar for his stunning portrayal of himself in the film) and I obtained the following exclusive Commentator interview.
C: Yoda, could you please tell our readers why you have decided to run for President in 1980?
Y: First we eat. Then talk.
C: Uh, lunch will be served a little later. In the meantime we can complete this interview.
Y: Hmm. Very well. Patience is virtue required by all Jedi warriors. Yoda, no exception. Hmm. Ask you why Yoda runs for office? Problems! Many problems you have. Yoda has solutions, Yoda runs for office. Hmm.
C: What do you view as the major problems facing the United States and what solutions do you propose?
Y: Energy. Hmm, yes. Energy is big problem for country. High energy prices cause inflation. Inflation-fighting causes unemployment. Recession angers people. Hmm, Yoda has simple solution. Solution is the Force.
C: How can the Force solve our energy problems?
Y: Force is energy. If America has Force, no more problem.
C: What about our other problems?
Y: Force solve foreign policy problems. America is viewed as weak giant. Force is power, Hmm. Increased defense spending not necessary. Force very powerful.
C: What exactly is the Force?
Y: Force is everything, Force is everyone. Hmm, yes. Force is what you believe Force to be. Hmm.
C: Could you me more specific?
Y: Specific you want? Elect Yoda. We eat now?
C: No, not yet. Leaving the issues for a moment, Americans know very little of your background. Could you give us some biographical information?
Y: Yoda born in galaxy far, far away, long time ago. Hmm. Father was Vulcan, mother was a hobbit. Jewish parents they were. Sent Yoda to Earth to study the Force at Yeshiva University.
C: You went to YU?
Y: Hmm, yes. Yoda graduated in 1932 with BA in Kabbala. Received Masters in mysticism and Doctorate in the Force by studying under the master himself at Marmorstein Graduate School of Force. Hmm.
C: I suppose then that “Doctor” would be your first name?
Y: No, no, hmm. First name is Adilo. (pronounced Ah-di-lo)
C: Adilo Yoda?
Y: Hmm, yes. Born on Purim Yoda was.
C: Were there other students besides you studying the Force?
Y: Hmm, yes, Good students. And evil like Darth Vader. EMC student he was. Even then was evil, hmm.
C: Was it at YU that you learned to speak such a unique form of English?
Y: Hmm, no. At Brooklyn yeshiva did Yoda learn to speak perfect English. Everyone there speak as well as Yoda. Hmm, maybe better.
C: It is not a well known fact that you are Jewish. That will change, however, with this publication. Do you feel it will hurt your election chances?
Y: No, hmm. Yoda not think Americans worry about executive chair in Oval Office becoming a Jewish seat. Hmm. Americans worry about who shot J.R.
C: Do you believe in the concept of a “Jewish seat”?
Y: Yes, yes. Good idea for ethnic seat to protect ethnic interests. Yoda also think Elizabeth Holtzman has nicest Jewish seat in House, but Yoda too old to lust in heart. Hmm.
C: Do you think the fact that you are an alien will hurt your election chances?
Y: No. Alien means strange. Yoda ask Americans if Yoda any stranger than other candidates?
C: One of the election issues raised has been Supreme Court appointments. Would you appoint a woman to the highest court?
Y: Hmm, yes. As said before, Yoda believe strongly in ethnic and feminine protection. If elected, Yoda will appoint Miss Piggy to Supreme Court.
C: Now that you have men- tioned her name, haven't the Hollywood scandal sheets linked you two romantically?
Y: Lies they are. Hmm. Miss Piggy good friend but shikseh she is. Piggy not kosher for good Jewish boy like Yoda.
C: Who is your running mate?
Y: At convention (the Star Trek Convention in Chicago where Yoda was nominated) attempt was made to draft Gerald Ford. But Jerry refused. Said he did not want to fight in Afghanistan. So Yoda’s running mate is Mork from Ovk. Hmm. Excellent choice Yoda think.
C: One last question. Since you are not married, do you have someone in mind to be the First Lady?
Y: Hmm, yes, but she not know it yet. Linda Ronstadt. No more talk. Now we eat, hmm.