By: David Kober  | 

A Personal Message From Ronald Reagan (Vol. 46, Issue 2)

Dear Citizen of This Great Land of Ours:

I come to you today to inform you of my mission. It is a great mission. It is possibly the greatest mission the world has ever known. With your help, I want to take it upon myself to change history. No, let me rephrase that. To set history right. (Music starts in the background.) 

This great country is in trouble. And it cries out for help. Help that only you and I can give. I humbly ask that you set me at the helm of this floundering ship. Let me lead you out of the wilderness and into the promised land. (Music now begins to build.)

Let me reshape it into something beautiful, pure, and yet powerful. Let me fulfill America’s destiny (Music swells to a peak.) Let me make America great again!! (Singers: “The Time is Now ... For Reagan.”)

You may think I use this kind of language only in commercials. But I am here today to show you that this is the true Ronald Reagan. The Ronald Reagan who always brings the issues home to the American people clearly, and without political rhetoric.

I know my staff worries about letting me go out in public without a chaperon. They're afraid I might say something silly, or offend some voters. 

For example, they were upset when I called the Vietnam War a “noble cause.” But if you were standing in front of 20,000 American Legionnaires, what would you say? One thing I learned when I was an actor — you’ve got to play the roles the public wants to see.

I also criticized the theory of evolution. But I will debate any scientist who wants to challenge my opinion, as long as John Anderson is included in the discussion. 

As for the China issue — when I said we had to maintain ties with Taiwan, I really meant Peking. I apologize for the mix-up of, cultures. I assure you it won't happen again. By the way, if any of my friends from Peking are reading this, I'd like to say that I caught the mini-series “Shogun” on T.V. and I loved it. It was a monument to the Chinese people.

On the subject of air pollution, I stand by my accusation that trees pollute the environment. They may give off oxygen by day when people are watching, but anything that gives off carbon monoxide by night has got to be dangerous.

I've also been charged with confusing Alabama and Georgia. But what do you want, a President who knows his geography, or a President who'll really get tough with those Russians.

If I am elected to the White House, I plan to make defense a top priority. After all, I was an officer in the army. I'll never forget those grueling ‘years during World War II, spending day and night narrating training films in Hollywood.

I also feel I am on firm ground where foreign policy is concerned. For example, most of today’s politicians find it difficult to deal with female heads of state. But I assure you I won’t have that problem — I’ve watched Errol Flynn movies to know how to deal with Margaret Thatcher and Indira Ghandi. 

Many of you may be wondering about my economic policies. You want to know how I plan to cut taxes, still raise defense spending and on top of that balance the budget. Well, I don’t want to bother you, the citizens of the greatest nation on earth, with details and specifics. I will accomplish all of these things simply because it is my destiny to do so. (Music starts up again.)

It is our destiny. I ask you to believe as I do that our nation cannot be stopped. We must glide to the forefront of human events and be leaders, not followers. Our country can be a microcosm of everything that is sought after in this world. (Music gets much louder.)

We will be pioneers, morally and ethically. We will be the prophets and the heralders of a better age, an age when every man can hold his head high and say with pride — “I voted for Ronald Reagan!!” (Singers: “The Time is ‘Now. . .")